I suppose this photograph of my first wife, the late Esther Benjamins, must be well over thirty years old. It is frustrating how colour images from that era can appear so grainy when set against the clarity of the digital images we now take for granted. Printed photographs fade with time – and, inevitably, so too do memories.
Yet my memory of the events and the horror of this day, 27 years ago, is indelible. It was the day my life was turned upside down in almost every conceivable way by the tragedy of Esther’s suicide. At its most basic, the change in my life was professional. I knew I could no longer continue either in the British Army or in dentistry – two professions I still hold in the highest regard and which had served me well. But I had to respond to Esther’s suicide note, in which she wrote that her childlessness had become unbearable. And I had to find something that would give me purpose after a body-blow that might easily have proved just as unbearable for me.
My life was also turned upside down spiritually. Having decided within days of Esther’s death to establish a charity for Nepalese children in her memory, an extraordinary series of ‘coincidences’ began to unfold – extreme in nature and rapid in succession. They reassured someone singularly unqualified to embark on such a journey that he was on the right path and only needed to keep the faith. Those experiences transformed me into a theist – it felt undeniably as though a greater power was at work – and latterly into a Christian. The ‘coincidences’ continue, albeit less frequently now, perhaps because my faith is stronger than it was in 1999. There was, however, a real whopper in 2025 – but that’s another story.
Each year, on the 4th January anniversary of Esther’s death, I reflect on what has been achieved for the benefit of others in Nepal in the intervening years through the work of my charity. On social media posts I describe the closure of cross-border child-trafficking routes during the time I lived in Nepal between 2004 and 2012, of the hundreds of children freed from Nepalese prisons or from slavery in Indian circuses. And, through my establishment of Pipal Tree in 2015, the transformative impact on both the environment and impoverished rural communities.
And yet, to be honest, I do not feel that I have achieved anything through my charitable work. This is not false modesty. It feels very much as though events have unfolded around me, and that my success has been a consequence of just ‘showing up’ (as Woody Allen put it) and making full use of the God-given talents entrusted to me. That can be exhausting, but it has been profoundly rewarding. It is genuinely humbling to discover that when, for example, a fundraising effort that I try to drive forward fails and I step back, everything required – and more – arrives from an unexpected direction. Sometimes it feels like someone, somewhere is having a laugh, but I can take that.
Over these three decades I have been privileged to come to know remarkable people – supporters, Trustees, volunteers, and colleagues in Nepal – and, above all, my wife Bev and our children Alisha and Joe, who are at the hub of everything I do. I have gained new memories that feel more robust and more significant than those from before 1999 that have faded. Pipal Tree’s financial year ended on 31st December, and it has been, by a long way, our most successful year ever financially and in impact. I am overjoyed that Esther lives on in the growing work of my charity – so tangibly, and in such great measure.
Thank you to everyone who has been part of the journey, in whatever capacity, be it personal or professional. New fellow travellers most welcome! In fact, I need a hand to take this work to the next level.
God has been good.
Remembering Esther Benjamins: 30th July 1955 – 4th January 1999.
