Remembering my first wife, Esther Benjamins, whose life ended so tragically 26 years ago today at the age of 43.

In the midst of festivities, paradoxically the start of the year is always a peak time for suicide. My heart goes out to those survivors of bereavement from suicide who now find themselves in the same mire as I did in January 1999. Thank God, literally, with the love, loyalty and belief of family and friends old and new, I was able to pull myself quickly out of the depths of despair and move forward.

I am sharing with you a picture that I found last week in a drawer amongst a batch that must have been spares after filling an album. It’s frustrating how colours fade and images are of such poor resolution compared to the digital pictures we take these days. Memories fade too, yet I dreamt I saw her a couple of nights back and the resolution of the mind’s eye was perfect – much better than when awake. It’s remarkable how the brain works.

But the unbelievable course I have followed since Esther’s death has left me with some truly indelible memories – wonderful, inspirational, people that I have met along the way, once-in-a-lifetime activities in Nepal, dazzling events and daunting challenges that I have experienced and endured. The delights of family life. I have made mistakes that have become lessons and experienced major setbacks that without exception turned out to be blessings in disguise. While memories might fade, my charity work with Pipal Tree is much stronger today than it has ever been.

I know that Esther would have wanted me to be able to write this positive message today rather than reflecting on having lived under a cloud of misery and remorse since her death. I have only been able to do this in the certain knowledge that, again thank God, I will see Esther in the life to come and in a way that will not have the transience of a dream.

Thank you for your support and friendship. God bless.

Philip Holmes OBE

Founder/CEO Pipal Tree